Merry Christmas, Uncle Richie!

My spirituality has certainly grown a lot this year, as my mind dealt with the internal storyline that I should not be here anymore. But I am glad that I listened to others and broke free from that terrible mental illness and despair.

In life, you never really know what will make the greatest impact. That Tiger plush toy that Michael got me on our first date was, at least to me, the connection with Pop-Pop’s spirit. Every moment of suicidal ideation and attempt, I would bring him with me. I think part of my mind thought it would be a way for Michael to identify me if I was unrecognizable from my potential near-death experiences. The tiger is relatively unique, including a special tag on it. But I now hope and realize that it was Pop-Pop’s spirit that gave me the strength and courage to stop and ask for help.

I think you asked what the catalyst for the decline was back in late November. Recently, it was the debilitating high interest debt that I tried to dig myself out of, in secret, for years.

But the true blow to my self-esteem, self-worth, anxiety, and depression goes back to childhood, around Middle School. There was a kid named Brian Wagner that befriended me. But the games and hangouts were abusive and, unfortunately, sexual in nature. It took a very long time to feel comfortable around people that were not my family.

And when alcohol was introduced into my life, I felt freedom from my anxiety and depression. But I know now that it was a slippery slope before the childhood monster in my mind would cause real harm.

I am super glad that I walked into that hospital and learned all the things that were opaque to me in order to slowly repair the damage. I feel more confident and at peace than ever before.

I am super proud to have you as my Godfather. I’m still slowly reading the Bible; my curiosity and reasoning has spiked since this event. And, to be honest, Catholics don’t truly read the Bible. So my eight years of Catholic schooling wasn’t as “complete” as it could have been with reading the Bible in its entirety.

You are the perfect person to help bridge the divide with Michael’s mom. It’s like life is meant to be… and now my eyes are fully open.

Wish you lots of love and happiness into the new year. No matter what happens, we will continue to communicate the best we can. Even though your cancer has reemerged, you have an incredible spirit about the situation. And lots of wonderful moments to look forward to with your grandchildren.

Love, Sean 💕